Trust is the foundation for intimate, secure and
successful relationships. It must be earned and maintained with consistent
actions.
But building trust and
feeling like your partner is trustworthy are not always easy for those who have
had their trust betrayed.
Once your trust has been violated, it’s difficult to make it viable in your
relationship again. Find out the steps you can take to put trust back in your
relationship.
Trust has to be a living, breathing entity in order
for a relationship to survive.
This applies to romantic relationships, family relationships and friendships.
What benefits do people get from trust resulting
into having a close, healthy relationship?
For starters, being in a romantic
relationship provides many physical benefits – individuals in close
relationships live longer and enjoy better health outcomes than people who lack
such relationships. This gain is undoubtedly due to the fact that people in
close relationships have a built-in emotional and physical support system –
someone to care for them and provide comfort in times of need. Not only do
people in close relationships live longer, but they report being happier and
more satisfied with life than individuals who fail to find a companion.
Second, having a romantic relationship provides many
resource benefits. Sharing resources with another person is a great way to get
ahead in life. Two people working together can live better than one. When you
have someone close to share and trade resources with, you come out ahead.
Third, people in romantic relationships receive more
social support; that is, having someone who is attentive to your needs and
concerns. Having social support translates into many other beneficial outcomes.
People who know that someone supports them make better decisions in life with
less stress and anxiety.
Fourth, having a companion often makes life more
enjoyable. Having someone with whom to share life’s little things, like walking
the dog, watching TV, eating meals is important; it enriches the experience
itself and people report having a higher overall quality of life when they have
someone to share it with.
Fifth, relationships are useful because partners monitor
each other’s potentially destructive behaviour and make attempts to stop each
other from doing things that may be harmful. For example, individuals in close
relationships often try to get their romantic partners to quit smoking, drink
less, curb their drug use and so on.
Finally, “people in
romantic relationships have sex more often than single people do. Having sex on
a regular basis is important for one’s well-being!”
All told, romantic relationships provide enormous
benefits to people lucky enough to find someone to love and someone who loves
them in return.
SPECIFIC STEPS TO
BUILDING TRUST
Rebuilding Trust Requires Understanding A Partner's
Feelings
The loss of trust is a very painful experience. It
often involves a lot of hurt, confusion, anger, and sadness.
Dealing with these emotions is critical when trying
to rebuild trust. When upset, we want our partners to understand our point of
view - to understand our feelings and emotions.
Having a spouse or partner understand how we feel
is important. Having a partner understand our hurt and pain helps us move
beyond such negative feelings.
If a partner does not take the time to make us feel understood - we try
to get even - we try to make our partners feel as bad as we do. Even though it
sounds childish, when someone does not understand our pain - we try to make
them feel our pain!
Often partners do not take the time to make us feel
understood because they do not know how to do it or because they get defensive
(feel under attack).
When accused of wrongdoing, people often try to...
- apologize
- offer excuses and explanations
- withdraw
- or even attack back....
These strategies do not work very well in the long
run because they fail to create real understanding.
When trying to build or repair trust - it helps to
see the situation from the other's point of view. Try to understand why the
other person is so upset - directly acknowledge his or her feelings
("you are angry, hurt, confused") and interpretation of the situation
("and, you have every right to be upset, because what I did was
wrong.")
You basically have to agree that your partner's
feelings are legitimate and fair - let the other person know that you get it.
If you can do this, trust is going to be much easier to regain.
If you can make someone feel understood when they
are upset, they are more likely to...
- calm down
- forgive you
- feel closer
- Listen to your side of the story...
If you don't take the time to understand your
partner's feelings, rebuilding trust is much more difficult to do.
How To Give an Effective Apology
When trying to rebuild trust - it helps to give the
right type of apology at the right time.
Unfortunately, most people do not know how to
apologize or say "I am sorry."
Typically, people make the mistake of apologizing
too quickly. People say "I am sorry" at the moment they are caught in
a lie or caught doing something wrong. Apologizing too quickly - especially
when in trouble often comes across as being insincere.
It looks like you are saying "I'm sorry"
as a means of appeasing a partner. It does not come across a thoughtful or
meaningful gesture. Rather it looks like you are simply trying to protect
yourself from harm.
Apologies work best when given after some
thought and consideration. Especially, after you have made your partner feel
understood - that is, after you explicitly acknowledge how your partner's
feelings have been hurt.
Giving the right type of apology is also important.
Often people apologize and then immediately offer an excuse ("I am sorry,
BUT..."). Tying an excuse or explanation to an apology tends to take away
from its impact.
The best way to apologize is to say you are sorry
for the harm you have done and leave it at that ("I am sorry I hurt you
by... I was wrong."). It is best to let an apology stand on its own.
It is ok to offer an explanation, but only when one
is asked for.
Saying "I am sorry" at the right moment
and in the right way is important because it leads to..
- more forgiveness
- more good will
- greater intimacy
- less punishment
- and greater trust
Rebuilding Trust - How To Explain Why Things Went Wrong
If you are the person who has done something wrong,
usually a partner will want to know why you did what you did.
Giving an explanation for one's behaviour is
important when trying to rebuild trust. Partners need to understand why things
happened the way they did - without a reasonable explanation, partners often
feel out-of-control and it is much harder for them to move on.
With that said, there are some useful guidelines
when trying to explain one's behaviour.
First, explanations generally work best - after a
partner's feelings have been acknowledged and a sincere apology has been given.
When caught doing something wrong, people often try to explain their behaviour
before their partners are ready to hear their explanation. There is a time and
place for everything - the best time to give an explanation is when a partner asks
for one.
When people give an explanation too quickly - it
often looks and sounds like an excuse - a way of getting out of trouble.
Second, explanations work best when given in a
constructive manner - that is, when they focus on the feelings underlying what
happened without blaming a partner for what happened.
For example, if caught having an affair, focusing
on your feelings works better than blaming a partner for the situation "I
felt neglected, lonely, not need..." rather than "the kids get all of
your attention and time."
Explanations that focus on the feelings work best
because they are easier for a partner to hear. Ultimately, giving explanations,
at the right time, helps partners who have been wronged get what they need:
their sense of control.
How To Make Promises When Rebuilding Trust
After feelings have been shared, apologies given,
and explanations offered the next step when rebuilding trust involves making
promises.
People who have violated their partners' trust need
to make explicit promises about their future behaviour. These promises need to
be:
- mutually agreed upon - both parties must be satisfied with the
promises offered
- reasonable - promises need to involve things that one can actually
live up to (broken promises are one of the worse things that could happen
when trying to rebuild trust)
- explicitly clear - both parties should double check their
understanding of the promises being made
- related to the betrayal that occurred - promises about future behaviour
need to be related to how trust was violated
While not the entire fine details of the promise
need to be discussed - the basics (how, when, where, what) need to be
understood, agreed upon, and worked out.
Importance Of
Keeping Promises When Rebuilding Trust
Promises made must be kept when
trying to rebuild trust.
Breaking a promise while trying to
rebuild trust can bring back of all of the old feelings of betrayal, anger, and
disappointment.
In fact, breaking a promise while trying to
rebuild trust can do even more damage than the original transgression. Breaking
a promise at this time shows that even when on your best behaviour you cannot
keep your word - you cannot be trusted.
If you break a promise, the whole
process has to start again and it will take a lot more time to fix.
When trying to rebuild trust - it
is best to under-promise
and over-deliver.
It's Important
To Discuss How Promises Are Being Kept.
Not only is it important to follow
through on one's promises, but it is helps to talk about it as well.
When trying to rebuild trust, it
helps to discuss how you are keeping your word. It helps to make an explicit
connection between promises that were made and how they were kept.
Having such discussions shows that
you are serious about rebuilding trust and putting in the effort to get it
back.
Timing Can Be
Difficult To Manage When Attempting To Rebuild Trust.
When trying to rebuild trust, it
helps to realize that there will always be two different perspectives on the
amount of time it will take.
If you are the person who has been
caught lying, trying to get a partner to trust you again will always take longer than you think it
should. If you are not the person who has been hurt, you tend to focus on all
the energy and effort you are putting into making things right.
By focusing on all the things you
are doing to make things better - it seems like you should be making more
progress more quickly. But, it doesn't work that way. It will always take
longer than you think it should, which can be frustrating. It is important not
to give up out of frustration, but instead try to understand where your partner
is coming from.
If you are the person who has been
hurt, it is natural to focus on your feelings - to experience anger, sadness,
and have doubts. Trust takes a long time to rebuild because our negative
emotions tend to stay with us longer than our positive emotions do. When you
find yourself focusing on your negative emotions, it helps to think about all
of the things your partner is trying to do to make things right again. Trying
to focus on the positive and not the negative makes it easier to get trust
back.
In short, rebuilding trust can be very
frustrating for both parties because partners do not move through the process
at the same pace. There is not much you can do about this, but it helps to keep
this in mind.
Final
Considerations about Rebuilding Trust:
Trust is easy to lose and hard to regain.
Rebuilding trust requires a lot of
understanding and commitment from both sides. But without trust, or taking
immediate steps to get it back, our relationships fall apart quickly!
A lack of trust often leads to
more suspicion and harmful discoveries only putting our relationships in even
greater danger.
As such, it helps to rebuild trust
before relationships pass the point of no return - when feelings of anger and
betrayal run too deep to repair..
All the best guys...
