tolerance in a relationship...

UVUMILIVU: Msingi wa mwisho ambao ni kama muhimili hasa pale ambapo misingi mingine ya MAWASILIANO, MAELEWANO, UAMINIFU na HESHIMA katika mahusiano imelega ama inaelekea kuporomoka ama kushindikana kabisa.

A simple definition of tolerance is one’s capacity for or the practice of recognizing and respecting the beliefs of others, and the capacity to endure hardship and pain.

Ever wonder how why there are relationships that last for a lifetime while your relationship is always at losing ends? There are a lot of factors that affects a relationship, however through research and careful observations, there is a factor that is not easily seen yet it is always evident especially when a relationship is at the power struggle stage to co-creation stage.

In connection to a couple’s relationship, tolerance is always a factor that is continuously affecting couples. It is not said much because the word itself connotes a negative impression. Another reason is that tolerance, most of the time, is misinterpreted as sacrifice for a relationship to work, however these small sacrifices can most of the time still results to break ups since the tolerance level of a person has already reached its limits.

No matter how romantic it sounds that in a relationship, two people are bonded as one, still we cannot erase the fact that there are two people working together to achieve a common goal; which is to be happy and to have a partner for the rest of their lives.

Therefore we cannot remove that fact that no matter how bonded a couple is, there are still issues of individual differences. The man came from a different perspective of experience and so is the woman. Thus in effect, there would always be some misunderstandings in the way and some habits that is not acceptable to the partner. This is where the level of tolerance comes along.

A partner at first would be able to tolerate small habits, gestures and acts of his or her partner. They would try to arrange it and talk about it. However at times, there are just some habits, gestures and acts that are really hard to change.

Thus, the partner must be patient in guiding and asking for the change that he or she wants. In here, the partner who is displeased is in the phase of tolerance. Slowly as they get to know each other, more and more additional habits, gestures, and acts; which he or she may not like, pushes into surface and adds more to the irritation and upset that he or she feels towards his or her partner.

At this phase, the level of tolerance is put into test. The person who is not satisfied with his or her partner slowly realizes that he or she is not the right person for him or her, in effect break up happens.

Based from this scenario, it can be synthesized that so as long as the person in a relationship who is displeased with his or her partner is still able to tolerate the habits, gestures, and acts of his or her partner; the relationship still goes on. However, when the level of displease already reaches the maximum amount of tolerance that a person can take, the relationship more or less would result to break up.

It is important for couples to take note that each one has the responsibility to know how your partner feels towards your habits, gestures and acts since this is one of the most aspect for a relationship to last.

Couples must remove in their thoughts and thinking the idea “if he or she cannot accept who I am, then that means that we are not meant to be with each other”.

Relationships have joys and responsibilities; on your end of the partnership, you must always be happy and responsible about those things that are happening inside your relationship. If only the both parties in a relationship would think this way, then the issue of tolerance would always be resolved which results to a relationship that would last a lifetime.

Remember – “Communicate, understand, trust, respect and tolerate”… be blessed in your relationships!

respect in a relationship...

Human beings crave intimacy, need to love and be loved. Yet people have much trouble doing so.

A healthy relationship commands respect. Unfortunately, most people do not understand this simple principle. Our tendency to disregard the feelings, concern and sense of importance of others tend to corrode our sound relationship with them.

But what is RESPECT in a relationship?

Consider the following scenarios:

·    We’re in conversation with others but we keep on enforcing your opinion, giving others no chance to express their viewpoints;

·    We found ourselves in an argument with the other but we refuse to listen to his/her reason;

·    We are angry with our wife and you yell at her in front of her colleagues;

·    We are angry at our husband and we let it out on his possessions;

·    We’ve become irresponsible about the sensitive information others have entrust upon us;

As you can see from the examples above, we give no regards to the sense of well-being and importance of the other. We did not care whether our acts will embarrass, hurt or disappoint—what we only care about is our own concern. The above-mentioned scenarios are just some of the things we do that shows our disrespect of others (be our wife, friends, colleagues, or anyone whom we’ve established a relationship). While our actions may be inadvertent, it still poses an attack to the self-worth of the aggrieved person; and as a consequence, miscommunication, misunderstanding and unnecessary conflict ensues.

From many sources and many experts, we have some basic rules of relationships. This is by no means an exhaustive list. But it's a start. Print them out and practice them in your life. I won't test you on them—but life will.

·    Give respect, and you will be respected in return. Deny respect and you’ll be despised. Inside and outside the relationship, act in ways so that your partner always maintains respect for you. Mutual respect is essential to a good relationship.

• Know your partner's beliefs about relationships. Different people have different and often conflicting beliefs about relationships. You don't want to fall in love with someone who expects lots of dishonesty in relationships; they'll create it where it doesn't exist.
• Don't confuse sex with love. Especially in the beginning of a relationship, attraction and pleasure in sex are often mistaken for love.
• Know your needs and speak up for them clearly. A relationship is not a guessing game. Many people, men as well as women, fear stating their needs and, as a result, camouflage them. The result is disappointment at not getting what they want and anger at a partner for not having met their (unstated) needs. Closeness cannot occur without honesty. Your partner is not a mind reader.
• View yourselves as a team, which means you are two unique individuals bringing different perspectives and strengths. That is the value of a team - your differences.
• Know how to manage differences; it's the key to success in a relationship. Disagreements don't sink relationships. Name-calling does. Learn how to handle the negative feelings that are the unavoidable by product of the differences between two people.
• If you don't understand or like something your partner is doing, ask about it and why he or she is doing it. Talk and explore, don't assume.

·   Accept someone as he is; don’t push him to be someone he’s not;

• Don’t judge a person by his outer form: this can give you a very wrong picture about such person.
• Solve problems as they arise. Don't let resentments simmer. Most of what goes wrong in relationships can be traced to hurt feelings, leading partners to erect defences against one another and to become strangers. Or enemies.
• Learn to negotiate. Modern relationships no longer rely on roles cast by the culture. Couples create their own roles, so that virtually every act requires negotiation. It works best when good will prevails. Because people's needs are fluid and change over time, and life's demands change too, good relationships are negotiated and renegotiated all the time.
• Listen; truly listen, to your partner's concerns and complaints without judgment. Much of the time, just having someone listen is all we need for solving problems. Plus it opens the door to confiding. And emphaty is crucial. Look at things from your partner's perspective as well as your own.
• Work hard at maintaining closeness. Closeness doesn't happen by itself. In its absence, people drift apart and are susceptible to affairs. A good relationship isn't an end goal; it's a lifelong process maintained through regular attention.
• Take a long-range view. Amarriage is an agreement to spend a future together. Check out your dreams with each other regularly to make sure you're both on the same path. Update your dreams regularly.
• Never underestimate the power of good grooming.
• Sex is good. Pillow talk is better. Sex is easy, intimacy is difficult. It requires honesty, openness, self-disclosure, confiding concerns, fears, sadness’s as well as hopes and dreams.

Respect, respect, respect … mahusiano siyo mchezo! Watu wengi wanayachukulia "lightly" ndiyo sababu kubwa ya ndoa za siku hizi kutodumu!

Kuvunjika kwa Penzi?!

KWANINI WATU HUACHANA KATIKA MAPENZI? Wakati watu wanapoingia kwenye mapenzi, hufanya hivyo kwa sababu mbalimbali. Baadhi ya watu ni kwa sababu ya upweke, na wamekuwa wakihitaji kukutana na mtu ambaye wanaweza kuzungumza naye na kujumuika naye kwa kipindi fulani kwa namna ya undani. Ingawa wanaweza kuwa na marafiki, wanajiona maisha yao hayajakamilika mpaka watakapokutana na watu fulani. Na pindi wanapokutana na watu hao, wanagundua kuwa kwa hakika hawakumhitaji mtu huyo. Wanagundua kuwa wanaweza kusimama wenyewe. Walichokuwa wanakitafuta, tayari wanacho. Kamwe huwa hawagundui hilo. Hivyo, wako ambao wameingia kwenye mapenzi kwa sababu isiyo sahihi na pindi sababu hiyo inapotimizwa, wanajiondoa kwenye mapenzi. Ni rahisi sana siku hizi kuingia kwenye tamaa na kukosea kwa kudhani kwamba uko kwenye mapenzi. Na pindi tamaa hiyo inapokwisha, unajiondoa kwenye mapenzi. Watu wengi wanaojiingiza kwenye mapenzi kwa sababu ya mihemko na siyo dhati ya moyo, ndio wale wanaoishia kuwa na wapenzi wengi katika vipindi mbalimbali. Pindi mihemko inapokwisha, wanajitoa mapenzini na kwenda kwa mtu mwingine ambaye ana mihemko naye. Mihemko ni matarajio ya mapenzi. Haiwezi kudumu milele. Unapokutana na mtu mpya, kunakuwa na kutokea kwa kichocheo mwilini, hasa kama kuna vitu mnavyofanana. Mwili wako hujibainisha na mtu huyo na mara moja hujiskia vizuri kuwa na mtu huyo. Hamu yako ya kutaka kufanya mapenzi naye hutokea na hili huendelea kwa usiku mzima au kwa usiku mwingine mwingi kutegemea na jinsi utakavyojiridhisha. Kutoka na mtu fulani bila ya kufanya mapenzi husababisha uhusiano kukomaa kwa sababu hudumisha mihemko. Mwili wakati wote hupata misukumo na haitulizwi kikamilifu hivyo kuendelea kuwa na matamanio. Matarajio hayo ya mapenzi huendelea kuwa makubwa na hivyo kuwa na mihemko mikubwa. Lakini pindi unapofanya mapenzi hupunguza mihemko yako wakati huo. Kila wakati unapofanya mapenzi mihemko yako hupunguzwa na hamu ya mapenzi huendelea kupungua. Wakati wote huanza kwa kuwa juu zaidi na zaidi unapoanza kufanya mapenzi na mtu matarajio yako huwa juu, baada ya hapo huanza kupungua zaidi na zaidi kwa vile kufanya mapenzi huchukua nguvu zako nyingi. Uhusiano ulioegemea kwenye ngono hudumu kwa muda mfupi kuliko uhusiano usio wa kingono. Sababu nyingine inayowafanya watu kuondoka kwenye mapenzi ni kwa sababu ya kutofikiwa kwa matarajio yao. Wanapokuwa kwenye mapenzi, wanakuwa na matarajio makubwa, kutegemea na kile wanachokitaka. Lakini baada ya muda fulani wa uhusiano wanagundua kuwa matarajio yao hayakufikiwa. Labda walitaka mtu ambaye atawasifia na kuwakubali, lakini hili linaweza lisijitokeze. Badala yake wanakuwa na mtu ambaye anawaita majina na kutowaheshimu. Baada ya kutosheka, hujitoa mapenzini na mtu huyo na kwenda kwenye uhusiano mwingine na mtu mwingine ambaye hukidhi mahitaji yao. Watu wengi husukumwa mapenzini na familia zao. Utaona wamekuwa wakiulizwa wakati wote na marafiki zao: ‘utaoa au kuolewa lini?’ ‘Una rafiki wa kiume/kike?’ Au: ‘mtazame kijana yule mzuri’, ‘wenza wale wanapendeza’. Au kwa kwa kuamsha wivu: ‘ John anajua mapenzi, amenitumia maua kazini’. Au kwa kukumbusha siku ya kalenda: ‘Tarehe 14 Februari ni Siku ya Wapendanao’. Au kwa kutaja filamu za mapenzi: ‘How Sally met Harry’. Au kwa kusimulia simulizi za kuvutia: ‘Cinderella, Sleeping Beuty, Snow White’. Hadithi hizi zote ni za wasichana waliotaka kuokolewa na mwana wa mfalme na kuanguka kwenye mapenzi makubwa naye. Hivyo kuna misukumo kwa wanaume na wanawake kujiingiza kwenye mapenzi. Sababu nyingine inayofanya watu kujitoa mapenzini ni kutohudumiwa na wapenzi wao. Wanapokutana na mtu kwa mara ya kwanza huwa mzuri, anayependeza na mwema. Lakini baada ya muda fulani hubadilika na kuwa wenye lugha mbaya. Ama huwapiga au kuwatukana. Mtu hawezi kuvumilia zaidi mambo haya na hivyo hujiondoa mapenzini na kuendelea na maisha yao na kutafuta mtu mwingine atakayemhudumia vizuri. Hakuna mtu aliye tayari kutendewa vibaya ingawa baadhi ya watu huvumilia kwa muda fulani. Lakini kuvumilia huko hakumaanishi kuwa wanafurahia. Wavulana hasa, hujifanya kuwa wazuri mwanzoni na baadaye hubadilika. Wavulana wanaofanya hivyo huwa wanajielewa lakini hujifanya kuwa wazuri wanapokutana na wanawake na wakati wanawake wanapokuwa karibu nao, ukweli wao hudhihirika, Kwani hawataweza kujifanya tena. Hata hivyo si wavulana wote wana tabia hiyo. Kwa hakika wavulana walio wengi ni wazuri wakati wote. Bado watu huwa rahisi kutambulika wanapojifanya kama watu wazuri. Hivyo kama unamjua mpenzi wa zamani wa mtu utamwelewa vizuri mtu huyo. Hata kama mtu atajifanya kuwa mzuri, wakati wote huwa kuna dalili chache ambazo zitakuwezesha kujua ukweli halisi japo wengi hili hulidharau. Hulidharau hadi linapojitokeza. Kisha hubaki kushangaa kilichotokea. Kilichotokea ni kuwa ulidharau mabaya na kukumbatia mazuri. Na hilo limefanya mabaya kukua zaidi na zaidi mpaka kufikia mtu kutoweza kuyazuia tena na hivyo kuvunjika moyo au kujiondoa mapenzini na kuilalamika dunia. Dunia ni nzuri kwa wote wanaofanya uungwana . Huwezi kudharau mabaya na kukumbatia mazuri. Na mwisho japo si kwa umuhimu kwa nini watu hujitoa mapenzini ni kwa vile hawakuwa kwenye mapenzi tangu mwanzo. Hakukuwa na hali ya udhati wa moyo; lilikuwa ni wazo tu. Wazo la kuwa kwenye mapenzi hujitokeza lakini huwa vigumu kubaki mapenzini. Unapaswa kuendelea kufanya mazuri. Unapaswa kuendelea kumkubali mpenzi wako. Lazima uendelee kumsaidia mpenzi wako. Lazima uendelee kumsaidia mpenzi wako hata katika vipindi vigumu, lazima ujitoe na kuwa pamoja naye kutatua matatizo kwa pamoja na kufurahia ushindi kwa pamoja. Kuwa kwenye mapenzi na mtu hutangazwa sana kiasi kuwa watu wengi kujiingiza bila ya kuelewa kwa kina kile wanachokifanya. Hawajui hasa maana halisi ya kuwa kwenye mapenzi. Wanafikiri ni kama duka la bidhaa ambapo mtu huenda wakati kuna bidhaa na kutokwenda wakati hakuna bidhaa. Unapokuwa kwenye mapenzi unapaswa kwenda kunapokuwa na bidhaa (mhemko) na hata wakati hakuna bidhaa (mhemko) utabaki kuwa pale mpaka bidhaa zitakapokuja tena (mhemko). Mihemko haidumu milele lakini kuwa katika mapenzi hudumu. Mihemko inachangia uhusiano kuwa wa kusisimua, lakini upendo huimarisha uhusiano na kuufanya uendelee. Kupotea kwa mihemko kwa kawaida ni kwa sababu ya majukumu mengine ambayo huuchukua muda wa mapenzi au hubadili mwonekano wa mpenzi wako. Haya yote yanaweza kuondolewa kwa kuwa na muda wa kimapenzi pamoja. Kitu ulichokipenda mwanzoni mwa uhusiano kwa mpenzi wako kinapaswa kuendelea katika kipindi chote cha uhusiano. Uhusiano ni kutumia muda mkiwa pamoja. Uhusiano mwingi huisha kwa sababu ya kukosekanakwa tabia hii. Iwapo watu wataingia kwenye mapenzi kwa sababu sahihi na kuwa na udhati moyoni na mapenzi hayo na kujenga uhusiano wao na kuendelea kutumia muda pamoja na kusaidiana, uhusiano huo wa kimapenzi utadumu kwa muda mrefu zaidi. Watu wana malezi tofauti na hivyo kuwa na malengo na matarajio tofauti. Hii ndiyo sababu pindi wanapokutana na mtu mpya kwa mara ya kwanza, wanataka kumjua na kuona kama wako katika ngazi moja. Vitu vingi zaidi vya pamoja unavyoweza kuwa na mtu hufanya uhusiano mzuri zaidi. Mawasiliano ni msingi wa uhusiano wowote. Wenza wanaozungumza hudumu kwenye mapenzi na wenza wasiozungumza huachana. Hivyo, unapokutana na watu wapya unapaswa kuwajua kwanza. Kabla ya kukutanisha viungo vya uzazi, kuwe na kukatana kwa fikra. Uhusiano unaofanikiwa hujijenga kwenye imani, uaminifu, upendo, uvumilivu, kufanya mambo pamoja na kusameheana. Uhusiano mwingi unaovunjika hukosa moja au zaidi ya vitu hivi.

Best things for a relationship..

When it comes to love, relationships can be like cars: constant care and adjustment (instead of pricey and painful visits to the body shop/marriage counsellor) are often the best way to improve and strengthen your bond. One of O's staffers gets the lowdown from the experts on five fixes to start making now.

1: "Stop all shame, blame, and criticism. Instead ask for what you want in a clear, specific, and positive manner, and express appreciation for your partner. To elaborate: Men need to feel competent—that they make a contribution and that it is noticed. They like to be told what 'behaviour' makes you happy. Since men tend to express affection by doing things, you should interpret their actions as love. When men know what to do and are acknowledged for it, they tend to keep doing It."

2: "Change from a critical habit of mind, in which you're very involved with your partner's mistakes, to a positive one, in which you catch him doing something right. Notice one small thing, and express genuine appreciation. That will change your interaction patterns from escalating negativity and criticism to building a culture of appreciation."

3: "When your relationship starts to break down, you need AAA: an Apology, Affection, and a promise of Action. You say you're sorry for what you've said or done to hurt or disappoint your partner. You immediately offer a hug, a kiss—some meaningful gesture of warmth. You pledge to do something that matters to your partner ('From now on, I will…'). And, of course, you stick to that. This whole AAA thing can take two minutes, but in that time you've healed the past, built a bridge to the present, and created hope for your future."

4: For women, "One of the greatest services you can do for a guy is to reassure him that he doesn't have to make love like a porn star. You can show him how to have sex like a woman: creative, sensual, non-genital-based, and more pleasure- than orgasm-focused. Lead him to an experience that goes beyond his penis and makes him fully engaged—mind, body, and soul."

5: "All relationships grow a bit stale as time goes by, and the longer-lasting they are, the staler they can get. The best thing you can do is pump in some fresh air. A long weekend in a romantic hideaway would be ideal, but even a few hours in a motel helps. Don't tell anyone where you are, turn off your cell phones, and unplug the TV. When you get home, you'll find your relationship has acquired ruddy cheeks."

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