Why Do Men and Women Cheat?

Basically, when it comes to infidelity, two related explanations have been given.

The first explanation is probably the most well known: Spouses cheat because of problems in their relationship - something is missing, passion has faded, partners feel lonely, people find someone who treats them better or who appreciates them more than their current spouse, and so on.

Simply stated, people claim that they are not happy in their relationship so they look for love and affection elsewhere.

The second explanation is more detailed in nature.  This explanation ignores the reasons that people "give" for cheating and looks deeper into our human nature.

The second explanation explores what it means to be human and asks, "Why is being faithful to a spouse so difficult for many people to do?"

Probably the best way to think about these two explanations is to view them as two sides of the same coin.

One explanation looks at what people "say" about infidelity, while the other explanation looks at "how and why infidelity" occurs.

Together, both explanations give us a more complete picture about infidelity, love and romance.

Unfortunately, most of the evidence indicates being faithful to a single romantic partner over the course of one's lifetime is difficult to do.

And while not everyone will stray, it is estimated that 30 to 60% of husbands and wives will cheat on a spouse at least once during the course of their marriage.

To understand and come to grips with infidelity, it helps to examine the following questions in detail:

How do people make decisions about their sexual behavior?

What is the role of "will power" or "self-control" when it comes to infidelity?

What motivates our sex drive?

What makes it so difficult for men and women to be faithful?

Why do people cheat, but then expect or demand their partners to be faithful?

Why are some men and women more likely to cheat than others?

What can be done to prevent infidelity?

How Do People Make the Decision To Cheat?

To start with, human sexuality is incredibly complex.  Decisions about our sexual behavior are typically not planned in advance.  Few people intentionally plan on committing infidelity (at least not the first time it happens).

When making promises to be faithful, most people are serious and have every intention of keeping their word.

But while people generally have the best intentions when making such promises, human behavior is not always governed by the fact that vows were taken and that promises were made.

When it comes to making decisions about love and betrayal, logic and reason have a difficult time competing with our emotions for control.  So from time to time, our emotions influence our behavior and lead us down paths we had no intention of traveling.

In fact, three separate emotional systems are involved in cheating - sexual desire, romantic love, and attachment.  And often these distinct emotional systems pull people in different directions.

Most infidelity occurs, not because it is planned, but because people find themselves in situations where their emotions overwhelm them.

What types of situations influence our emotions and bring out the worst in our behavior?

Being close or interdependent on someone other than one’s spouse

Being around someone who is sexually interested

Spending a lot of time one-on-one with someone else

Not feeling close or connected to one’s spouse 

Situations that create the sense of opportunity - the feeling that one will not get caught (e.g., meeting someone in private, out of town trips, etc.).

Situations involving alcohol or drugs

When placed in these types of situations, one's emotions often prompt people to act in ways, which are contrary to what is right.  On occasion, poor decisions get made.  Unfortunately, for many people, it is very difficult to always be in control of one's emotions when placed in these types of situations.

What about "will power" or "self-restraint?"

In fact, some cultures have decided that individual "will power" and "self-restraint" can not be trusted.  Some cultures have made the decision that the best way to prevent infidelity is to make sure that the situations listed above do not occur - essentially, controlling situations is the best way to control behavior.

In western cultures, however, we place greater value on individual responsibility.  We do not collectively try to prevent these types of situations from occurring.  Rather we allow situations to happen, but then we hold individuals accountable for their behavior and we expect people to behave appropriately.

Individuals are supposed to exercise their self-restraint and have the will power to control their emotions and their actions.

Unfortunately, for many people this does not work.

Perhaps a somewhat related example would help bring home this point.

Relying on will power or self-restraint also fails to work when dieting.  The very same problem occurs - people make promises and vows they cannot keep.  More often than not, will power and self-restraint are not enough to control one's weight.  To diet successfully, more drastic measures are often needed.  Successful dieting often requires a change in lifestyle, environment, social networks, and sometimes even surgery.

Of course, there are some important differences between dieting and trying to be faithful to one's spouse.  The consequences of cheating are much more severe than the consequences of failing a diet (most people admit to failing a diet, but not to cheating).  In any case, people do struggle with these issues and making promises alone typically does not result in a lasting change.

Overall, infidelity, like many other human behaviors, is difficult to control.  Being faithful to a spouse is more complicated than simply making promises to do so.

Being faithful to a spouse often requires avoiding situations, which bring out the worst in our behavior...

Role of Sexual Desire

Part of the reason why infidelity is so common stems directly from our sexual desire.

Our desire for sex, whether we are conscious of it or not, is one of life's most basic and fundamental needs.

When talking about sexual desire, some sexism is involved.  There are some sex differences between men and women.

And for the most part, our sexual desire influences a lot of our behavior and we are not always aware of its influence. 

For example, why are most women so concerned about their appearance – looking young and beautiful – even putting on make-up to enhance their beauty?  In fact, it is estimated that people spend more money on trying to appear beautiful than we do on education.

And why are men so obsessed with status, respect, and success?  And why are they so concerned about their height?

People care so much about these issues because they are directly linked to our sexual behavior.

Why is sex so important?

Because whether we like to acknowledge it or not, our sexual desire underlies much of what we do.

The long story, told short:

Evolution shaped human behavior – how we think, feel, and behave.  And most of the time we are not aware of the motivations that influence our behavior – life kept many of the factors that influence our behavior hidden from us (we don’t really need to know why we do the things we do, just as long as we do them).

But, evolution rewards life forms that survive, reproduce and help relatives get ahead.  So evolution rewarded humans that were sexual in nature – we are all the descendants of individuals who were driven and motivated to act on their sexual impulses.  Accordingly, people today are stuck with the sexual desires, which drove our ancestors to reproduce (and this process went on for millions and millions of years).

And whether we like it or not (again, evolution didn’t care that we liked what we were doing, just as long as we did it), cheating is a part of our sexual desire.  For millions of years, people who cheated on their mates reproduced faster than more sexually reserved individuals (cheaters won at the game of creating offspring).  So now the desire to cheat is a universal part of our human nature - something we inherited a long time ago from our cheating ancestors.

This, however, does NOT mean that EVERYONE will cheat; it only means that the tendency to cheat is innate - it's part of who we are.

So, why do some people act on their desire to cheat while others remain faithful...

What Type of Person is the Most Likely to Cheat?

While the desire to cheat is a fundamental, and unconscious, part of our human nature, not everyone will be unfaithful.

Like most of our behaviors, infidelity is not intentional, but, for the most part, it is situationally driven.

When placed in the right situation (or wrong situation, in this case), our emotions can get can prompt us to act in ways which are counter to our beliefs. 

What factors influence an individual's willingness to cheat?

Attractiveness

All things being equal, an individual’s attractiveness influences how likely he or she is to cheat.  Attraction comes in many different forms – it is influenced by one’s physical appearance, one’s social skills, and one’s tangible resources (money).  The more one is in demand, the more likely one is to cheat.  People, who have higher incomes, more education, and successful careers, are more likely to cheat than people who are less successful.  And physical attractiveness also plays an important role.

Opportunity

Again, all things being equal, the more individual free time people have the more likely they are to cheat.  Couples who have separate social lives, friends, careers, travel plans, and so on are much more likely to cheat than couples who spend most of their time together. 

The more opportunity people have to cheat, the greater the odds that cheating will occur.

Risk Taking

People who like to take risks or have a sense of adventure are more likely to cheat than people who are more fearful or timid by nature.  And there is most likely a genetic component involved in risk-taking behavior - some people may be predisposed to taking risks.

Sexual Desire

Sexual desire varies from person to person.  Some people have a very high sex drive while other people are much less concerned or interested in sex.  And people with a high, rather than low, sex drive are more likely to cheat.  Again, sexual desire appears to be influenced by genetic factors.  Some people are inherently more easily aroused and driven by their desire for sex than other people. People who have multiple affairs are often addicted to the novelty and excitement which infidelity can. Men, more so than women, also tend to have a higher sex drive and are more likely to cheat.

Attitude Toward Love and Romance

Attachment and Love Styles

Some people view love and romance as a sacred bond between two individuals.  Other people see love as a game, where the goal is to manipulate another individual and gain emotional power over a partner.

People who view love as a game are much more likely to have multiple love interests; cheating is just another way to gain control over one's spouse.  Also, people with a dismissing style of attachment, are more likely to cheat.

Relational Problems

As problems emerge in a relationship, people are more likely to cheat.  Infidelity is more common in relationships where people feel misunderstood, under appreciated and where fighting and bickering is common.

Sense of Entitlement

Some people, due to their position in society, their beliefs about gender roles, or their cultural upbringing, believe that it is their right to cheat on their partners.  In other words, some people believe that cheating is a privilege to which they are entitled.  Such individuals, philanders, often engage in infidelity with little guilt or remorse.

What Steps Can Be Taken to Prevent Infidelity?

For starters, many of the things which influence the likelihood that a spouse will cheat are difficult to control.

For instance, it can be difficult to limit how spouses spend their time outside of the relationship – social and work commitments often require spouses to spend a lot of time apart, providing an opportunity for cheating to occur.

And it can be even more difficult to control a partner’s level of attractiveness or a partner’s willingness to take risks – again, both factors that influence how likely a spouse is to cheat.

On the other hand, there are a lot of things that you can do to make your current relationship more satisfying. And people who are happily married are less likely to cheat.