How to Fall Out of Love

YES! FALLING OUT OF LOVE - SOMETIMES IT HAPPENS WE HAVE TO!

Did life give you a bag of lemons? Does the "perfect" mate think you are better off as friends? Although it might feel like you'll never find somebody better, there are some ways you can move on. Falling out of love is as unique to each individual as falling in love, but here are some healthy ways to cut your emotional ties.

Steps:

1. Make a list of all the reasons it wasn't meant to be. The number one reason should be that this person is not in love with only you. You deserve better than to be someone's back-up between flings, and/or ego trip. Other reasons may include incompatibility, especially when you imagine yourself spending the rest of your life with this person and remember the ways in which you clash on a regular basis. Human memory can be selective, and you may find yourself dwelling on that first kiss in the park, or that time when you laughed till you almost cried...but also remember the times when you felt sad, neglected, unappreciated, betrayed, or even deeply hurt.

Knowing your Personality:

See their faults. Nobody is perfect. The longer you hold on to the idea that this person is perfect, the harder it'll be to get on with your life. It's completely possible that you're idealizing someone just so that you can have a fantasy to hold on to. You should accept that this person is not perfect, and definitely not perfect for you -- because the perfect person for you would think as highly of you as you do of them.

Think of what you want from a significant other that you didn't get from this person. Was he or she arrogant? Selfish? Insincere? Write down the opposites of those traits (humble, giving, and honest). Not only will you see what this person didn't have, but you'll learn from this experience and look forward to finding someone who better suits you.

Ask yourself if it was really true love you were feeling for this person. Know the Difference Between Love, Infatuation and Lust. If you recognize that it was infatuation or lust rather than love, then you will have an easier time letting go.

 

2. Remove as many traces of their presence in your life as you can. This is very, very difficult but also very important. Ask friends and family to help you sort through things and put anything that reminds you of him or her in a box. If you want to give these things back to the person, mail them--don't give it to them in person and torture yourself. An alternative is to bury the box (presuming it won't contaminate the water supply), burn it (with caution), or throw it (forcefully) into the dumpster. The physical act of destroying reminders of them may help your emotional side catch up.

If you lived together, consider redecorating. Even moving furniture around can help dilute those feelings that will inevitably surge when you wake up without them next to you. If it's possible and necessary, you might even consider moving.

 

3. Distance yourself. You won't want to, but staying close to someone you want but can't have just isn't healthy. Don't tell the person or anyone close to them what you are doing, as they might try to convince you otherwise. Just try to get away for a while. Don't call them, don't go places where you know they frequent, and make yourself scarce. If you must have some forms of contact (such as work) respond to messages slowly after a few days. Only call back when you have a good excuse to get off the phone after a few minutes. Take the time to reflect on your situation and learn more about yourself.

Distancing yourself is really effective if done well but it is not something you just try : it will work or it will fail and result in possibly excruciating pain. Don't attempt to take a step away from someone if you are bound to be near that person (e.g. working at the same place, in the same school, being neighbours...) : not talking to someone is not distancing yourself if you can still see that person, awkwardly say hello every morning, check out who are his/her new friends and/or love interest(s). Getting news by any means - including other persons - will only defeat the purpose.

Also, do not forget to take into account the other person's point of view; there are cases where the reason of your distancing will be obvious but in other situations that person may end up not understanding your behaviour. He/She may think you are sulking or holding a grudge against him/her, will try to find out what is wrong and may only be confused and blame him/herself for whatever it was. If this happens, you will be the villain of the story, so you might as well explain yourself before cutting ties. If you have already made up your mind to end the whole relationship, you don't have anything to lose.

The object of your affection might notice you are distancing yourself from them. They may try to get you to see them more. Say you have been really busy with all of these new activities. Tell them you have other things to do, too. You must have a life separate from theirs. Don't answer their calls and don't call them or text message them. You will be tempted to, but don't. It is far too easy to get entangled again and think of all the good work you have done to distance yourself.

Don't assume after distancing yourself for awhile that you are over it. Be careful to make sure you are fully over this person before you see the person again.

If this person was an unhealthy influence in your life (controlling, manipulative, abusive, etc.), cut them out completely. There's no obligation to stay on good terms with someone who made your life miserable, even if they didn't mean to. They may try to make you feel sorry for them in order to keep you wrapped around their finger. Cut off all ties and move on. Read How to End a Controlling or Manipulative Relationship.

4. Practice thought stopping, a technique that helps you to become more mindful and in control of what you think (or don't want to think about, as the case may be.) When you notice a thought has popped into you about the individual, say to yourself or aloud, "Stop!", as a reminder to divert your attention. Visualizing an image such as a stop sign may also help. Then, choose something else to think about that is pleasant. For example, notice how the sun feels on your skin or what the breeze feels like passing by. Look at the clouds in the sky, notice your breath, or the sounds of people talking around you. Become aware of your body and how you feel in it. These will all take your mind off of your thoughts of her/ him in a tangible and effective manner. It takes practice and may feel awkward at first, but with time it is a very effective way to move on, not to speak of feeling and being more empowered by having acquired a powerful new skill.

5. Do all the things you've ever wanted to do, that you wouldn't have done if you were still with this person. Did you always want to take a tango class, but didn't because he or she "doesn't dance, period" and you didn't want to go without them? Did you want to go to that car, fashion, or antique lamp show with your friends, but felt reluctant to spend your day off with someone other than your love? Did you want to travel to an exotic country, but your partner didn't want to go because it's too hot/dirty/boring? Maybe--probably--there are ways in which the relationship held you back. Now is the perfect time to focus on those missed opportunities. Do whatever you can to feel better about yourself. Exercise, eat well, take a class, meet people, go to parties, have fun. Life is too short to spend it pining for someone who doesn't see you for the great person you are. There are those out there who will.

6. Mingle. While you are distancing yourself from said object of affection, try to meet new people who share similar interests. If you choose to date, avoid the temptation to settle for whomever asks you out, just to distract you from your old flame, or you might end up making someone fall in love with you whom you don't love back!

7. Understand that the feelings may never fade completely. You felt close to this person at one point in your life, and while you can eventually realize emotionally that you've grown apart, you will probably always have a soft spot for him or her. At some point, it may be possible to remain friends, but mind the boundaries and don't let your heart fall back into it.

Tips: You might want to compare everyone to the object of your affection, and you won't think anyone measures up. Don't be blind to someone's positive attributes because you're comparing them to another person.

Distancing yourself includes staying away from the other person on online sites such as Myspace and Facebook - delete them as a friend, that way you won't receive any updates inadvertently.