What is the Best Way to
Talk About Problems?
When
problems arise in a relationship, couples are often told they need to "communicate"
- or talk
to each other.
In many
cases, however, couples do not know how to talk about problems
and communication only makes the situation worse.
For the
most part, there are two basic ways of talking about problems:
Direct
Accusation versus Problem Identification (described below). Unfortunately, most
couples use Direct Accusation rather than Problem Identification when trying to
resolve conflict.
Direct
Accusation – Focus on Partner’s Behaviour
When
upset or angry, many people confront their spouses by focusing on their
partner’s behaviour. These accusations can be made directly “I am upset because
you…” or even in the form of a question “why did you…?”
The
motivation behind making such accusations is typically to change a spouse’s or
partner’s behaviour. People believe that if they get upset and point out their
partner’s mistakes, things will change. This rarely works.
If you
accuse a partner of wrongdoing, partners typically:- get defensive – fight back
or withdraw (stop listening)
- offer an (insincere) apology
designed to stop your attack
- hide and conceal similar behaviour
in the future
The long
term outcome of directly confronting a partner is:
- increased distance
- less understanding and
greater dissatisfaction
- the lack of a genuine
resolution
- increased future conflict
A more
effective approach involves focusing on one’s feelings, not a partner’s behaviour.
Problem
Identification – Focus on One’s Feelings
A better
way to resolve relationship problems involves focusing on one’s feelings,
rather than blaming a partner for what happened (even if, your partner deserves
blame).
It is
easier for a partner or spouse to hear what you have to say when you focus on
your own feelings and not dwell on his or her mistakes. For example, if your
spouse has a habit of coming home late – rather than make a direct accusation –
“I hate when you're so late – why do you do that?” – It helps if you can focus
on your feelings instead “I am feeling sad and a little frustrated. I sometimes
feel lonely when you are not home.”
When
trying to discuss a problem - it's important not to assign blame. Even saying
something as simple as "It makes me feel uncomfortable..." can come
across as an accusation - leading to a defensive response. Phrasing a concern
as "I feel..." rather than "It makes..." is a more effective
way of solving problems.
Your
motivation for dealing with problems this way should be to get your partner to
hear what you have to say. If you can get your partner to understand your
point of view, you are much more likely to create a meaningful and lasting
resolution.
By
focusing on your feelings instead of your spouse’s behaviour, partners are more
likely to:
- listen to what you have to
say
- empathize with your position
- discuss the problem in a constructive manner
And there
are many benefits of approaching relationship problems with this way:
- increased closeness,
satisfaction and understanding
- greater potential for
resolution and change
- less future conflict
Simply
put, directly confronting a partner often leads to greater resistance, more
conflict and deception. Of course, it is easier to get angry and make
accusations, but doing so rarely leads positive, long term outcomes.
Try, try, try, practice… practice…
practice !
Ijumaa
Karim…
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