respect in a relationship...

Human beings crave intimacy, need to love and be loved. Yet people have much trouble doing so.

A healthy relationship commands respect. Unfortunately, most people do not understand this simple principle. Our tendency to disregard the feelings, concern and sense of importance of others tend to corrode our sound relationship with them.

But what is RESPECT in a relationship?

Consider the following scenarios:

·    We’re in conversation with others but we keep on enforcing your opinion, giving others no chance to express their viewpoints;

·    We found ourselves in an argument with the other but we refuse to listen to his/her reason;

·    We are angry with our wife and you yell at her in front of her colleagues;

·    We are angry at our husband and we let it out on his possessions;

·    We’ve become irresponsible about the sensitive information others have entrust upon us;

As you can see from the examples above, we give no regards to the sense of well-being and importance of the other. We did not care whether our acts will embarrass, hurt or disappoint—what we only care about is our own concern. The above-mentioned scenarios are just some of the things we do that shows our disrespect of others (be our wife, friends, colleagues, or anyone whom we’ve established a relationship). While our actions may be inadvertent, it still poses an attack to the self-worth of the aggrieved person; and as a consequence, miscommunication, misunderstanding and unnecessary conflict ensues.

From many sources and many experts, we have some basic rules of relationships. This is by no means an exhaustive list. But it's a start. Print them out and practice them in your life. I won't test you on them—but life will.

·    Give respect, and you will be respected in return. Deny respect and you’ll be despised. Inside and outside the relationship, act in ways so that your partner always maintains respect for you. Mutual respect is essential to a good relationship.

• Know your partner's beliefs about relationships. Different people have different and often conflicting beliefs about relationships. You don't want to fall in love with someone who expects lots of dishonesty in relationships; they'll create it where it doesn't exist.
• Don't confuse sex with love. Especially in the beginning of a relationship, attraction and pleasure in sex are often mistaken for love.
• Know your needs and speak up for them clearly. A relationship is not a guessing game. Many people, men as well as women, fear stating their needs and, as a result, camouflage them. The result is disappointment at not getting what they want and anger at a partner for not having met their (unstated) needs. Closeness cannot occur without honesty. Your partner is not a mind reader.
• View yourselves as a team, which means you are two unique individuals bringing different perspectives and strengths. That is the value of a team - your differences.
• Know how to manage differences; it's the key to success in a relationship. Disagreements don't sink relationships. Name-calling does. Learn how to handle the negative feelings that are the unavoidable by product of the differences between two people.
• If you don't understand or like something your partner is doing, ask about it and why he or she is doing it. Talk and explore, don't assume.

·   Accept someone as he is; don’t push him to be someone he’s not;

• Don’t judge a person by his outer form: this can give you a very wrong picture about such person.
• Solve problems as they arise. Don't let resentments simmer. Most of what goes wrong in relationships can be traced to hurt feelings, leading partners to erect defences against one another and to become strangers. Or enemies.
• Learn to negotiate. Modern relationships no longer rely on roles cast by the culture. Couples create their own roles, so that virtually every act requires negotiation. It works best when good will prevails. Because people's needs are fluid and change over time, and life's demands change too, good relationships are negotiated and renegotiated all the time.
• Listen; truly listen, to your partner's concerns and complaints without judgment. Much of the time, just having someone listen is all we need for solving problems. Plus it opens the door to confiding. And emphaty is crucial. Look at things from your partner's perspective as well as your own.
• Work hard at maintaining closeness. Closeness doesn't happen by itself. In its absence, people drift apart and are susceptible to affairs. A good relationship isn't an end goal; it's a lifelong process maintained through regular attention.
• Take a long-range view. Amarriage is an agreement to spend a future together. Check out your dreams with each other regularly to make sure you're both on the same path. Update your dreams regularly.
• Never underestimate the power of good grooming.
• Sex is good. Pillow talk is better. Sex is easy, intimacy is difficult. It requires honesty, openness, self-disclosure, confiding concerns, fears, sadness’s as well as hopes and dreams.

Respect, respect, respect … mahusiano siyo mchezo! Watu wengi wanayachukulia "lightly" ndiyo sababu kubwa ya ndoa za siku hizi kutodumu!