Commitment cannot be a single minded decision, with
one partner issuing all the rules and conformities, it has to be a mutual
agreement of needs and requirements in a future you want to share together,
with commitment levels you present to each other open to compromise and
discussion.
Pre-conceived ideas or fears about commitment is understandable
and is essentially preparing you to understanding the difference between
promise and commitment.
Assess and judge the relationship's progress with an honest
appraisal before you attempt to discuss any commitments or the future of the
relationships development. Only then can you have the desired deeper level of
the relationship and share honest and fulfilling commitments to each other and
nurture the relationships values. Commitment in a relationship has to be a
pathway that is mutually acceptable to both of you and at levels that you can
both honour and fulfil.
1. Love and respect – for
each other and your individual philosophies on life and love. Ignoring your
partner’s hopes and dreams just because they may differ to yours or trying to
cancel or absorb someone’s personality is neither love nor respect. A
progressive growing of love and respect between two people sharing their lives
but retaining their individuality is more healthy and fulfilling.
2. Loyalty – to
each other and the relationship, promises of exclusive dating–some couples see
this as the only commitment needed within a successful relationship, it isn’t a
standalone commitment, but it still remains an ultimate commitment. Any
commitments made with the absence of loyalty will appear to be nothing but
hollow, broken promises. What if your partner has hinted, or even made it
obvious that they have known other partners better than they know you. This
could be an admission of not being sure about the depth of the relationship or
a criticism of your role and actions, prompting the outspoken comparisons. If
he/she has talked about, or admitted wanting to get to know other different
partners better, this issue needs to be addressed to discover what has
instigated these comments and desires.
3. Honesty – About
your feelings, fears and insecurities, honesty about the relationship and your
expectations. Revelations about your past, what you want to achieve in life,
job prospects and career prospects that could affect your future together.
Financial burdens or financial expectations, the issue of children, are all
important decisions that you both have to make regarding the future. It is
unacceptable and selfish to arrogantly think that someone can be compromised
into radically changing their beliefs to suit you at a later date. This is
dishonest and will be seen as outright dismissal and betrayal of individual
views and feelings.
4. Spending time together – This also encompasses your
personal levels of acceptable commitment to each other’s feelings and needs in
the relationship. You may be perfectly happy to spend every waking moment with
each other; alternatively you may be just as happy and comfortable with a more
relaxed amount of time you spend in each other’s company. It does not mean the
relationship is any less intimate or meaningful. Don’t be tempted to use time
spent together as a template to compare with other relationships, what makes
you happy is the only important issue and how much you desire to retain your
independence and individuality inside the relationship.
5. Being there for each other –
supporting each other through different stages of your lives, emotionally and
physically, through good times and times of crisis. Emotional, practical and
financial support should be a natural evolvement in any relationship and not a
hardship to deliver as a commitment, strengthening the relationship with
unparalleled protection and support for each other.
6. Trust –
Without trust no relationship can survive, do you feel comfortable enough with
the level of trust in the relationship, to admit to other relationships and why
they failed without any fear of backlash or recriminations. Trusting each other
when you are not together is a huge area for differences of opinion as to what
is the appropriate level of trust before it becomes suspicious and obsessive
jealousy. Trust levels need to be tested and established with practical aspects
of the relationship, trust with finances, with children, with secrets, with
family decisions and personal choices.
7. Living together - This
is big, decision making, forward step in the relationship, deciding to move in
together, even though you know it was a comfortable mutual decision a temporary
assimilation period is inevitable, but this will be a passing phase. Hopefully,
before you instigated this commitment the pro’s and con’s of moving in and living
together have been discussed, and the shared financial implications and
responsibilities should, sensibly, have been decided before moving in together,
not after when it will be the cause of unnecessary arguments.
8. Buying property together – by
the time you get to this stage in discussing further commitments of this scale,
you must be comfortable with other commitments in your relationship that have
been established and already working well over a long term period, because this
is a big financial commitment to embark on, a joint venture that is one of the
major commitments.
9. Getting engaged -
Another major commitment decision, a promise of engagement used to be liable to
legal consequences of a breach of contract if the engagement was broken or
withdrawn. Engagement announcements are a public mutual admission of your
intention to commit to each other by taking the first step towards announcing
marriage intentions. Newspaper announcements make it a public notification and
celebrating with family and friends confirms your commitment to each other.
10. Proposal of marriage– this is a proposed intent of
the ultimate future commitment to a life together. This is proposing a legally
binding contract of commitment and has legal consequences if rules are broken
or abused. Marriage is a public declaration of your commitments to one person
and both of you committing your life together in a ceremony of confirmation.
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